So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
