there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
