It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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