And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
