seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
