Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
