So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
