I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
