so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
