If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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