hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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