I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
