I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
