According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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