He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
