My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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