two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
