I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Is Oprah even human
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
