I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
