my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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