She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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