so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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