Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
