I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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