He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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