The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
