I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
