Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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