I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
