wakey wakey hands off snakey
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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