You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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