I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
