apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
