Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
how drunk are you?
Several
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
