I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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