i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
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It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
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not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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