Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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