we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
