Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
