Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
We need to feng shui this bitch.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
