you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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