i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
