Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
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Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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