Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
