You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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