I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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