Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Even my vagina gasped.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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