Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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