Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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