he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
