dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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