You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
