Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
