dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
