I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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