so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
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